Finding My Life

Even though I am older I feel like I am new to life. At least new to the life of living with God. God has given me a chance to find Him and my way of living with Him leading. I am doing my exploring and just need a place to talk about every day life and my thoughts.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Hey All...

If you want to find me - check me out at my safe place. Not sure where that is - email me and I will let you know.


Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Have not been around much...

Have not been writing much and I don't see it picking up any time soon.

I am asking for prayers. I have some rough times coming in front of me.

Please pray for my husband, my children and myself.


Things to Remember...

This should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror where you could read it every day. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.

1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

Monday, August 14, 2006

The Parable of the Spoons

A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said, "Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.

The Lord led the holy man to two doors. He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water. The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful, but because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths.

The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering. The Lord said, "You have seen Hell."

They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.

The holy man said, "I don't understand."

"It is simple" said the Lord, "it requires but one skill. You see, they have learned to feed each other, While the greedy think only of themselves."


A friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

People say true friends must always hold hands, but true friends don't need to hold hands because they know the other hand will always be there....

Thursday, August 10, 2006

From good to bad...

The problem Sheila is I addressed it and well it never goes well.
He refused to talk to me because what I was talking about was (sorry exact words are escaping me right now) invalid.
I bought each of the kids 3 new outfits for school yesterday. They need clothes. All of their pants come above their ankles and all summer I just made them wear them because I wasn't going to spend money on new clothes for them to grow out of them before school started. He has made comments all summer long about how their pants and shirts don't fit but I never did anything about it.
I also bought a couple of books on cholesterol (cook books) so I can learn to cook for him the right way.
Then I made the mistake of buying those auto bathtub cleaners. I am a horrible house cleaner/keeper. I KNOW THIS! He makes comments about it all the time and really I don't need to hear it because I am aware of the fact that I suck at it. So I got this because I thought okay if that can keep my showers clean then that is one less thing I have to worry about.
I have already purchased over 1/2 of the things the kids need for school so I thought clothes would be okay to get.
Boy was I wrong...
He started making comments about what I was buying and how we are tight on money and how he is stressed because his company might not make it and in a couple of months will run out of money because the outstanding invoices are not going to be paid for at least 60 days. Then it was you knew I was already going to be at least $300 short on bills at the beginning of the month and so on.
I walked away.
After a little thinking I went into the bedroom (it was his bedtime and this was wrong of me) and asked if we could talk without the TV for a moment. He said sure and then would not turn the TV off - was pissed because I have to make such a big deal out of everything and he is trying to settle down and go to sleep and I have to talk to him right then. (let me say that my oldest has been without TV and games since Sunday and it is all because we have not talked about how long he will be without them and it is because DH has no time to talk about it during the day).
He finally turned the TV off and I said I am upset about some things and I would like to share them with you. You are complaining about the money I am spending because you can't cover bills and yet you are putting $600 a month away for a vacation I am not allowed to go on. You just went out and spent a ton of money on a fishing reel for our son.
Then he interrupts and lets me know he was replacing the reel "we" lost and if I wanted to pay for 1/2 of it he would gladly accept my money and in the first place his dad paid $40 of it.
Then I talk about the $600 a month going into saving for a vacation. He stops me and tells me that those are invalid points because those are things he was/is going to do no matter what. That it is (essentially) his money and he is going to do what he wants before he can't do it anymore with or without me. I was his first choice to go on this vacation but since I refuse to ski I am not allowed to go because he needs someone on the mountain with him in case something happens to him. He proceeds to tell me that I am the one with the issue because I enjoyed skiing at one point.
I then explained to him I lied to him about liking to ski because we were not getting along and he was going to go on a vacation to Austria with or without me and if I was not skiing I was not allowed to go so I lied to him. He said well then it your own fault (which is true).
I then called him a selfish jack**** and it all went downhill from there.
He ended the conversation and I would not shut up.
In the end he called me a few choice words screaming them in my face. He threw the remote control at me. He pinned me to the bed and was yelling in my face telling him how it was all my fault because I push all his buttons (I seriously asked him to hit me because those might hurt but they don't last as long and he laughed and said you would like that wouldn't you then you could be rid of me). That I have some thing seriously wrong in my head because I do this once every 6 months if not sooner and I need to get it checked out. That he isn't doing this anymore and he should not have to deal with this bull****. That he will gladly split the "bills" with me because what I pay are just expenditures and EVERYONE has to pay those. I don't pay bills. That if I would just save my money instead of spending it on crap that isn't needed I would be able to go on trips and vacations as well (keep in mind ONE of his paychecks is more than I get in a month).
It goes on...
He left after a bit and I cried and went through my kitchen and dinning room throwing out a ton of crap. Filled up our trash can actually.
I am just crushed and I am wondering why I keep on doing this to myself. I just need to never open my mouth because I am the one who is wrong and I just never stop when I do. I bring it all upon myself.

I know I did push his buttons and I should have stopped but right now I just need prayer and guidance and I am worn out and looking for a job I doubt I will be able to keep if I get.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

The Lord is always good!

So while on vacation some wonderful things came to light. I am blessed - very blessed...

My youngest son is a sweetheart! Very loving, very caring, very affectionate. Well he was riding bikes with a girl because none of the other children would play with her because she was too small.

So Todd sat down with him and reminded him that kissing and hugging is not appropriate (he is known to do this kind of thing) until he is much older. Even then though if a girl says no he has to respect that and so on.

Talk about being blown away by my husband lately! I told him I was proud of him and he laughed and asked why because he talked to Adam about it. I said yes kind of because you are just so embarrassed and that is as close to a "sex" talk as he has gotten with the boys.

He said something else and I said you know I don't want our boys to grow up like we did. I want to be honest with them and open with them and hopefully it will help to prevent the problems I have had.

He said yes I don't want our boys to be sexually dysfunctional either.

WOW - talk about amazing! My husband admitted we, he, I are sexually dysfunctional (working on becoming more functional)...

The Lord is just amazing when you let Him work on His time!

Quick Note...

Hi Everyone!

We have made it home. We actually ended up packing up yesterday and came home a day early.

I have been busy today washing clothing, putting things away and working on our bills (which at this point in time are all going to be late if I don't get them out today)...

I will give a much better post later on!

Just wanted to say it is good to be home!

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Getting Ready to Leave...

We are just about to leave for camping...

Let me say the best stress reliever ever is sex with your husband (or wife)... What makes it an even better stress reliever is when your spouse starts it because he knows you are stressed and he is stressed and he thinks it would be good for us!

Wow what a night last night!

Hope you guys have a great week. I should be back posting either next Wednesday or Thursday!

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Creating Boundaries...

I struggle with boundaries. I struggle with how to create them. I struggle with every aspect of them. Yet I need to learn how not to struggle with them and how to create them; with or without hurting every ones feelings.

I get a call today from Kyle's PDoc. She is a wonderful lady. We have seen her for the past 4 years (I think it is about that). She and I have had some huge heart to hearts and she knows how much I didn't want to "label" my son as bipolar. Yet because of our current insurance we had to.

This past Wednesday was Kyle's appointment with her. I have cancelled the last two because of school issues (he was in fights and had to serve detention or he would be suspended out of school for a week, etc.). I really did not want to miss another appointment.

I was going to leave the hospital and take Kyle out there and then go back to the hospital to get Todd or whatever we needed to do. Instead my mom offered to take him out there. I was so tired and run down I said yes. I had printed out a letter before leaving to the doctor so she knew how I felt things were going. I was not sure if it would get to her or not though...

It did get to her. Anyway back to the story - she calls tonight with Kyle's blood levels for the med he is on and it has dropped a fair amount and so she feels that might be where some of the sleeping and other issues are coming from. I agree... So we are upping the dose.

She did ask me though if my mom had told me what was said and I said no. She goes on to inform me that, "No one in the family believes Kyle is bipolar. He is just ADHD and I have no idea how to control him. When he is at our house we have no problems getting him to mind or do his chores or go to sleep. It is just his mom who has problems." and a whole bunch of other stuff.

Talk about being hurt. I do not even know how to address any of this right now. I am struggling with what to say, what to do, what to think. You get the idea.

My parents never helped me while I was growing up. I didn't see a therapist until after I ran away from home. It was the only way I was allowed to talk to my brother and sister when I left home. I was never diagnosed with anything until I was 22 years old.

I watch my dad go through mood swings like crazy and my brother is the same way. I see mood disorders in them. Of course nothing is wrong though and no one really believes I have bipolar either I am beginning to think.

I feel as if I need to have a conference with my family and say, "Look thank you for raising him when I could not but he is with me now and as much as I love your input - he is under my care and my decisions; even if you do not agree with them."

Yet the last time I did that it ended up with my parents not speaking to me a whole bunch because I don't love them.

They are all or nothing. You can not speak to them without going to extremes. "Fine you don't want me to clean his room then I won't. You think I am butting in well I just won't call or do anything with them or for you then." I dread speaking to them because of those kind of comments.

In all honesty right now even when thinking about all of this I am remarkable calm (thank you Lord for that). I am just frustrated with when or how or what to do. The thing is - that I know what I need to do but I just do not know how to accomplish it without alienating all my family...